And Now For Something Completely Different

I certainly do not talk about religion much.  I have explored a variety of faiths, have friends of all manner of religious practices and have come to the conclusion that I believe in some crazy combination of God and Fate which encompasses the likes of Mohammad, Buddha, Jehovah, and a number of other supernatural beings of which I do not understand.  I attended Lutheran churches as a youth, was adopted into the Methodist religion during my marriage and now am left to again wander to try to find my place in my faith consciousness.

Today, marking the 500th anniversary of Luther's 95 Thesis reformation beginning, has me thinking much more about what it means for me to be religious.  I recently read a short book about the life of a different sort of pastor, Messy Spirituality.  It recounts a man's journey to becoming a pastor despite having been an alcoholic, and never having completed seminary.  His ch
urch consisted of religious rejects who could not find a place in the mainstay denominations.  It most certainly has poked its points into my brain on many occasions since.  I like the thought that religion does not have to be so well defined.  No matter which religion studied, changes have been dramatic, which leads me to believe there is no proper definition of any religion.

I understand why people choose the form of worship they do; everyone wants to feel comforted and comfortable.  It is natural to question the faith you were brought up in and eventually find what works for you and your family, whether that is following that faith or giving up on it.  I don't blame people for losing faith.  Life sucks.  If you really stop and think about the nitty gritty, there's a lot of terrible shit that we have to wade through.  But like most everything, I believe there is a reason and those magical moments happen that erases that negativity from thought.  Erases the negativity, but doesn't erase the entirety of the thought.  I can remember the bad, but fortunately, I am able to shed the intensity of the bad to concentrate on the good.  This is partly how I can be more happy and positive than not.

Which brings me to the point of this post, which (taking a left turn) is how do we reconcile the different viewpoints of Martin Luther?  Here is a man who has created the foundation of how I view religion, which I take to mean (simplified version) trying to follow the kindness and caring teaches of Jesus Christ and loving more than not.  So with the recent vilification of a number of historical figures, how do we celebrate someone such as Luther?  Is it enough to say his good works proved more substantial than his short-sighted, horrific views?  Do we not talk about the evil he conjured?  Or can we try to learn what was happening at the time, realize that times are different now, work our hardest to comprehend that someone can create beauty and hatred at the same time and decide to grow from their limitations to change how history looks at our time?  I don't have much faith in people, so I very much doubt the latter, but it is what I wish for.

Wittenberg Judensau

Just in case it isn't clear, I have no wish to evangelize to anyone.  I am not one to push any religion on anyone.  I do pray that people be decent to each other and decent to their memories.  I truly do not know the answer to the line we need to draw in "celebrating" historical figures.  The Wittenberg Judensau is a perfect example.  I understand how awful a representation this presents, but is the correct answer to remove it from the church?  Is this not the first step to trying to erase that from history?  Even if the idea is to remove it to be relocated to another place, that can begin the shoving to the back of the corner and is much easier for the next person to claim it is dishonoring the museum where it resides, or the like.  At the same time, why does this need to be in the face of any visiting this historical place?  I do not believe there is a correct answer.  The best I can hope for is that people will open their minds and hearts to peace and understanding.  If leading with these, inclusive consciousness is hopefully only a short journey.

Peace.

Why I Ride a Bike: Reason #4

Feeling like a badass

I don't often feel this way.  And it isn't something I seek, but there is no denying that riding a bike all year in this environment can make one feel this way.  Coming off the winter months and reading back through my blog, this realization struck me.  I hope people that are in contact with me do not think I have much of an ego, but we all do.  There is always a need to feed that in some form.  Riding is a way I feed that part of me.

I believe the reason this feeling came to my conscience is not only due to me not owning an automobile right now, but also an email I received from one of my customers.  He mentioned seeing my name on the Trans Iowa registration.  Now, this event does not make me feel like a badass as I have never come anywhere close to completing it.  But it does remind me of one of my only "training" rides.  Anyone who knows me knows I do not train.  I ride my bike.  But when I was preparing for Trans Iowa a number of years back, I knew I had to ride outside my normal routine in order to have a chance at it.  This took me to riding roughly one hundred miles one Saturday, in March, maybe 40 degrees, in a wonderfully windy drizzle.  I think back on that ride with great fondness.  It is one thing to ride through town to work in conditions like that.  But to choose to do that and have fun doing it, well, that is a very different thing.  And I did have fun.  I'm not sure why, but it felt great.  Maybe it is more being mental than badass.

But I will continue to ride.  Finding random things along the road, giggling (to myself and out loud), and inflating my ego with all the badassery I can muster. 

Settling In

Back to the city life.  I came back to St Paul 2 weeks ago.  I feel so very fortunate that I didn't have to struggle to find living arrangements.  Not only did I find a place before I even returned, but I only had to spend one evening bunking with others before sleeping in my own bed.  While I would have enjoyed spending time with friends and family, I still have an ingrained mentality of intruding while staying with others.  This thought process is lessening, but it is still prevalent and would have set me a touch on edge for the month I was prepared to have to deal with it.

Better to look at than listen to

While having my own place is excellent, it also is freaking me out trying to figure out what to do with all the crap I own.  People who ever entered my basement know I have a lot of stuff.  Seriously, a LOT of stuff.  As I look over the bins and bins and bins of bicycle parts and accessories, I question what on earth I was thinking when I was accumulating all these bits and pieces.  I do not remember my own family being anything like me but there does seem to be a bit of the hoarding gene that runs deep in my roots.  When I see places littered with trinkets and collectables, my anxiety begins to rise as I think about the difficulty of cleaning it out or having to move it.  I will use this as my motivation to rid myself of my own anxious inducing mountain.

This brings me to one of my most annoying personal characteristics... procrastination.  I have had this issue for as long as I remember.  It appears to be a trait that shows itself when I am alone.  When others are near, I am all about doing.  I like to help, contribute, even encourage any number of duties and projects.  But put me in the same situation when it is just me, and I can find all manner of different ways to put off doing the exact same things.  This doesn't happen all the time, but it is something I need to fight off more than I would like.  I am hoping that with all the changes in my life over the past 1-1/2 years that I will be able to alter my brain to mostly rid me of this very annoying flaw. (I write this as I sit in a coffee shop procrastinating the day's activities)

It's always nice to end musings on a positive note (ha!).  I am not exactly sure my motivation, but I have decided to try to learn to play the banjo.  I have never really taken to the guitar although I do like to play a little.  I somehow came up with this idea and then actually followed through with purchasing one.  Now I simply have to stick with the practicing to allow me to make some form of music.  Part of this will be to figure out a routine that will work with my current living arrangement and work schedule.  I know creating some structure will not only give me a better chance at accomplishing the banjo, but will also allow me to settle more comfortably into my new life.  

Work and Play

Love them cows.

Reading back through the last couple posts I have made, I can't say with absolute certainty that I am clearing my head.  This trip has certainly been fantastic in a number of ways.  It also has caused me to spiral deeply into thoughts about what I really want to do with my life, where I want to be (physically and emotionally), and the things that are most important.  In some perspectives, my head is much more clear, but it certainly has muddied the waters from others.

For us, calving is just starting to happen.  We had our first calf a few days ago and the rest are most likely going to let loose next week.  Not that we have a lot of cows to calve, but for a city boy, it is enough work to keep me on heightened alert.  My stepfather also has to be gone for a few days next week so it is going to test my ranching ability to care for these beings on my own.  For the most part, they really do take care of themselves but I am going to take credit for being more of a rancher than I ever have been.  Actually, I already do.  This year my stepfather has had quite the range of medical issues so for a long time I have been taking care of most of the ranching duties.  One of the things I decided last year is that I am not a rancher.  This year, that mentality is a bit muddled.

The perils of winter driving.

The most troublesome bit of being out here is that I have not ridden a bicycle for quite some time.  It turns out that with winter being a bit more prevalent this year, it has taken a bit off of the desire to push through the cold.  I can't exactly explain it.  What it feels like is that there is such a different mentality when I am out here, as if I am a bit stepping outside of my own person.  That allows me to see my life from a different perspective and hopefully gain insight and better understanding of what I truly want.  But it also means that I am a slightly different person which results in changing my daily habits and even my hobbies and interests.  Out here, I am wanting to work outside and I am energized by shoveling snow, chopping wood, and hauling hay.  It seems to fit better than riding my bike.  There is also the unfortunate location of house to trail which requires driving to ride.  Something I have never enjoyed and try to minimize at all costs.

Seriously, would you pet me already?

 But for all the confusion this trip may cause, I know it has been exactly what I need.  I am so very fortunate to have had the ability to come out these past two winters.  I am not sure how I will ever be able to do this again, but if there is a way, I will certainly try.  I truly love all the animals we have, even when it is an annoying horse that will not leave me alone.  There are times I am this close to these creatures and I think of scrapping everything and seeing about being a vet tech or the like.  I don't believe I want to be as dedicated as a veterinarian, but an assistant, I might be able to be good with that.  Sometimes I think of my mid 40 age and think it is too late to try something so different and new.  And other times, I figure I still have another 20+ years of work, why not bite off a completely new career?  Only time will tell what.

My stepfather asked me today if I was anxious to return to MN.  I had to answer that I am.  Of course I am.  My hands are becoming restless and crave repairing bikes.  I am also excited to break in the new year at the bike shop.  I'm not sure I am prepared for the rush of springtime that will await me so soon after I return, but there is also a part of me that desires that workload.  Being able to push my body in the quantity and duration of work is obviously something that I am not only ok with, but something that I desire.  For as much as it seems I sit around and don't do much, I definitely enjoy being busy to being bored.  I need to remind myself of this come mid April when I am pulling my hair out because of the workload.

Another Round of out West

My leave of absence has come.  For the second year in a row, I have given up my life in MN and travelled to SD to spend a couple months.  This year is a bit different as it has been just over a year since my mom passed away so my expectations of how this is going to be has definitely changed.  What a crazy lead-up to leaving my home.

We sold our house (actually to a friend of mine) and the closing date was far enough into winter that it made sense for me to simply leave right after.  And I took that to be RIGHT after as I was on the road less than an hour after the last paper was signed.  I know I have a bit of a difficulty understanding completely the enormity of situations as I am currently in them and this was no different.  It probably didn't hit me for a couple days that I am technically homeless.  And I have no idea where I am going to live.

Fortunately, really life-savingly, I have a tremendous friend that allowed me to consume a building on her family's farm to store all my shit.  I have WAY too much shit.  Collecting crap over 20 years has amounted to an entire building's worth of stuff.  Mostly bicycle related.  My Ebay account is going to go insane when I get back.  Actually, it will start right after the first of the year.  I intend on selling most of the things I don't use all the time.  There will be a few items that are not used constantly (my touring bike and panniers, just to name a couple) but otherwise, as I bring loads back into my living arrangement, I will assess how necessary they are and if I can't make a really good argument for it, on the auction block it goes.

Gear dandruff

So coming back to ranching life, I have done a fair amount of cleaning, my stepfather is not known for his organization and cleanliness.  I have also tried to make his place ready for winter.  Last year, we didn't really have winter at all.  This year appears to be making up for that.  Prepping for the first significant weather of the season, one of the projects was to fix the garage opener which he thought was simply unlocked from the track.  It turns out that the "Professional Series" opener uses plastic gears.  Plastic!!  This opener has been having issues for probably 5 years and I decided to take matters into my own hands.  Taking the cover off I discover all the remnants of what used to be the gear mechanism.  Fortunately they are not too expensive so a new gear mechanism is on its way.  It won't be here for the weekend, but at least I will be able to have it operational before much more inclement weather happens.

A difference this year is that it seems like I don't have much time at all.  Last year seemed like the winter was a very long time.  This year, I am more organized and have a number of projects I wish to accomplish.  This is changing how I think about my time out here.  It already seems like it is too short even though in several ways, I cannot have it be over soon enough.

The Changes, They Keep on Changing

So many things have happened over the course of 1 year.  It's almost hard to keep up.  And I guess if I really think about it, it isn't the number of changes, but the magnitude of those changes.

My last post was about my mom dying.  I'm not sure I have really processed this yet.  I have a feeling this Christmas is going to hit pretty hard.  Last year I didn't really do much for Christmas at all.  I also think it is going to take some time before I can really dive into Christmas again.  I vacillate between not wanting to do anything for the holiday anymore and wanting to honor her in some way by celebrating substantially.  I figure over the course of a few years, this will work it's way out.

I have also switched jobs.  The shop I was at closed, rather unexpectedly last year.  This was the first time I had to deal with being unemployed on someone else's terms.  Actually, this is only the second time I have been unemployed since I started working.  The first being when I moved to the twin cities.  The timing seemed to be perfect because of my mom so I decided to take a bit of a sabbatical over the winter.  I spent a couple months on my parent's ranch, helping out my step-father as he transitioned to being alone and aiding in some of the chores that I didn't think would get done anytime soon and a lot of the day-to-day chores too.

Two very good friends of mine and I opened a new bike shop in Minneapolis.  It has been a very hard year gearing up inventory and building displays and creating work space and learning new customers and a new way of doing business.  We started with all kinds of new ways of doing things, so the learning has been nonstop.  Non of us has ever been a part of a brand new store, but we all have bike shop experience.  At times, I don't know if that has hurt or helped.  Most likely a fair amount of both.  But it has been very rewarding and it has always felt extremely liberating to not be pigeon-holed into an exact way of doing things.  We have evolved as we understand our business and are understanding more and more how each other works best and how to best move the business forward.

Now that the season is beginning to wind down, I am again thinking of taking a leave of absence.  I have to balance not wanting to be a drain on the money side of things vs. making us more ready for next season.  There are still a voluminous amount of details to take care of before we are ready to accept the hordes of customers that happen every spring in the cities.  Constantly a work in progress.  

To top it off, I am also going through a divorce.  After 16 years, my wife and I are no longer in a husband/wife relationship.  We are at the point where we want very different things and cannot figure out a way to be a couple.  So for the last month we have been fixing our house and recently put it up for sale.  It is one of the weirdest things to do all this work that we talked about doing just to give it to someone else.  We considered having one of us buy out the other but we are hoping it is worth more than either of us can afford.

Which is also why I feel a leave of absence is a good idea.  If I no longer have a place to live (fingers crossed), it is a fantastic time to regroup.  Clear my head of how my life has been, and move on to a new way.  Change my perspective of how life is, to how I want it to be.  I only get one chance at this, I need to make it good.  

Not Expecting the Expected

Unfortunately this is not the first time I have written a post like this.  Many people know my mom has been fighting a strange Encephalitis illness over the past few months.  Unfortunately, I received the call from my sister telling me she had died yesterday morning.  It was not as shocking as I was prepared for which tells me I prepared quite well.  Like with all life-changing events, it takes awhile for the gravity of it to set in.

Ma went into hospital with pneumonia-like symptoms in October.  After a couple weeks her condition worsened and my family called to say I should go out because she was in a serious condition that may not have a good outcome.  So I came out and spent a week in the hospital with her and we talked and laughed and sometimes I would help her eat if she was having a bad day.  Physical therapy was helping her stay as strong as she could and all kinds of tests were being done to try to find out what was causing her symptoms.

She stayed another 10 days which put her total stay in hospital over a month and was finally released into hospice care as an undiagnosed patient.  She was much less responsive and bedridden at this point.  Shortly after she came home, I went out to stay another week.  I can't imagine how difficult this whole process has been on my stepfather so I figured as much help as I could give, the better.

This time it was mostly me that was doing the talking.  I fed ma all the time now and her responses were mostly limited to yes or no answers.  I talked with her when I felt she understood about what we perceived to be the issue: that she was understanding what we said and she could formulate responses but she couldn't make her mouth and voice work enough to enunciate those thoughts.  Each time, I told her we were trying our best and hoped she wasn't too frustrated with us for not understanding.  Each time, she smiled and made me know that she understood we were doing just fine.

Things lulled into a fairly normal routine.  Ma was sleeping a bit more now but she tended to have good days and some bad but the swings were not that great.  I would be wrapped up in my life and a couple days would go by and not much would change so I wasn't feeling that I had to check in every day.  Each time I did, the report was generally the same.  

I was out again for Thanksgiving this year and it ended up being especially hard on my stepfather.  Ma did not wake up much at all that day and we had some unfortunately high expectations.  We had dressed ma up a bit and were hoping we could sit her up to the table to join us.  And that just didn't happen.  Fortunately, it was just my sister and her family, and my wife and I for the meal which meant there was no additional pressure of other people to entertain.  It still did not make for the best of holidays.

What I did take away from that trip was what happened when I first walked in.  Ma always perked up some when people came to visit, but she beamed at me and gave me a tremendous hug.  She hadn't been able to do that to me since my first visit over a month ago.  She and I are physically a lot alike, small and wirey.  We pack a fair amount of muscle in a small package and I am going to miss her strong, boney hugs.  I'm glad I was able to get one last good one in.

Ma, I love you and am going to miss you like crazy.  I know you have finally found the peace and rest you deserve.