Not Expecting the Expected

Unfortunately this is not the first time I have written a post like this.  Many people know my mom has been fighting a strange Encephalitis illness over the past few months.  Unfortunately, I received the call from my sister telling me she had died yesterday morning.  It was not as shocking as I was prepared for which tells me I prepared quite well.  Like with all life-changing events, it takes awhile for the gravity of it to set in.

Ma went into hospital with pneumonia-like symptoms in October.  After a couple weeks her condition worsened and my family called to say I should go out because she was in a serious condition that may not have a good outcome.  So I came out and spent a week in the hospital with her and we talked and laughed and sometimes I would help her eat if she was having a bad day.  Physical therapy was helping her stay as strong as she could and all kinds of tests were being done to try to find out what was causing her symptoms.

She stayed another 10 days which put her total stay in hospital over a month and was finally released into hospice care as an undiagnosed patient.  She was much less responsive and bedridden at this point.  Shortly after she came home, I went out to stay another week.  I can't imagine how difficult this whole process has been on my stepfather so I figured as much help as I could give, the better.

This time it was mostly me that was doing the talking.  I fed ma all the time now and her responses were mostly limited to yes or no answers.  I talked with her when I felt she understood about what we perceived to be the issue: that she was understanding what we said and she could formulate responses but she couldn't make her mouth and voice work enough to enunciate those thoughts.  Each time, I told her we were trying our best and hoped she wasn't too frustrated with us for not understanding.  Each time, she smiled and made me know that she understood we were doing just fine.

Things lulled into a fairly normal routine.  Ma was sleeping a bit more now but she tended to have good days and some bad but the swings were not that great.  I would be wrapped up in my life and a couple days would go by and not much would change so I wasn't feeling that I had to check in every day.  Each time I did, the report was generally the same.  

I was out again for Thanksgiving this year and it ended up being especially hard on my stepfather.  Ma did not wake up much at all that day and we had some unfortunately high expectations.  We had dressed ma up a bit and were hoping we could sit her up to the table to join us.  And that just didn't happen.  Fortunately, it was just my sister and her family, and my wife and I for the meal which meant there was no additional pressure of other people to entertain.  It still did not make for the best of holidays.

What I did take away from that trip was what happened when I first walked in.  Ma always perked up some when people came to visit, but she beamed at me and gave me a tremendous hug.  She hadn't been able to do that to me since my first visit over a month ago.  She and I are physically a lot alike, small and wirey.  We pack a fair amount of muscle in a small package and I am going to miss her strong, boney hugs.  I'm glad I was able to get one last good one in.

Ma, I love you and am going to miss you like crazy.  I know you have finally found the peace and rest you deserve.